I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.