I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.