“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.