I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
How to shape your eyebrows
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