sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
It be like that sometimes 😆
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…