Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Who says great literature is dead?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.