Travel bloggers during quarantine
You Might Also Like
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Ah yes. The three genders
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS