What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.