It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.