What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.