That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Children of the corn 🌽
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.