I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life