Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
You Might Also Like
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨