Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most