A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler