Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
This probably isn’t good
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*