You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.