I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
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wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.