They’re called werewolves.
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11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
groan^2
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.