i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]