The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow