I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me My dog
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon