[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Natural selection at its finest
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.