[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.