Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m putting together a team
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
🤣✨#caturday
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise