5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
kids play hide and seek like
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I’d hang this in my house.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
And now we wait
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o