I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees