In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.