If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.