When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You Might Also Like
getting groceries
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
reviewed some movies recently
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.