me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??