I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
You Might Also Like
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”