Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Very good news from my accountant
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits