Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Noted.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.