Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i鈥檓 lost
ME: you鈥檙e at the mall
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here鈥檚 another one.
I鈥檝e had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 馃
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here鈥檚 a cheese sandwich.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Shaggy: look out, it鈥檚 a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there鈥檚 no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn鈥檛 know they have one.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*