I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
the world’s most popular steaming services
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.