octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
How I like cutting carbs
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.