Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.