When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match