Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
This one’s “Alex”.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES