why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…