[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide