[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean