Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill