I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.