Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
A woman drives into a bar.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”