Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.