On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.