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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.