I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Don’t snitch tag.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
True statement👍😏😁
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-